Thursday, January 1, 2009

THE OBAMATHON GUIDE.™ Part 3: When Nature Calls

The average human produces 4.6 lbs of waste per day. If 2 million people show up at the inauguration, DC will have to cope with 9.2 million pounds of poop. Holy crap! Or at least it would be if inaugural preacher Rick Warren gives it his blessing - he'll probably even contribute some bulls**t of his own. Obamathon Man understands your pain at the potty, and presents some helpful hints for holding it in.

Latest estimates call for 5,000 Port-o-Pots on the Mall on the 20th. The Washington Metro is closing its normal facilities (so as to thwart toilet terrorists!) but placing 150 portable facilities to replace them. Additionally, several of the major museums lining the mall will be open on inauguration day. Since the parade will probably draw a denser crowd to the north and east of the mall, museums on the southwestern side of the mall are probably a better bet for a shorter wait, such as the Hirshhom Museum, the Smithsonian Information Center, and the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum (with all due respect). In the event that those get intolerably crowded, the more clandestine inaugural viewers might try using bathrooms in the lobbies of nearby hotels. While Obamathon man has neither the time nor the energy to check each hotel to see if bathrooms are available, its a pretty safe bet that lobbies are flush with facilities. Be careful, as the neighborhoods get a bit more sketch further south. See this handy map for area hotels:

click here to view full size

For those of you squeamish about public restrooms, the first order of business is not to drink as much before you leave. The weather should be cold enough so that hydrating won't be an issue, so skip that morning coffee. Second, give some forethought to when you're going to use the bathroom, and leave in advance. If you have any feeling at all that you're going to need a restroom, start moving immediately. For those of you worried about the cleanliness of area bathrooms, you can always bring your own toilet paper, seat covers, water-free hand wash, latex gloves, and for fans of Adrian Monk, wipes.

At the inauguration, doing your business has never been harder, but a little forward thinking will certainly facilitate a more pleasant experience. Happy flushing!

Introduction (history, crowd density)
Part 1: Is It Safe? (safety, prohibited items, law enforcement, crime)
Part 2: Crush Hour(Transportation, Getting to DC, Getting to the Mall, the Metro)
Part 3: When Nature Calls
Part 4: Phone Frenzy (Cell phones, texting, finding lost friends)
Part 5: Food for Thought (Food, sack lunches, vendors, restaurants)
Part 6: Got Balls? (Inaugural balls, dress codes, bars)


  1. Dear Obamathonman:

    You are normally very thorough. However, you forgot that impacted natural areas like Mt. Whitney have "pack out your poop" bags. These could be brought for emergency "evacuations." All you need is some TP and bushes that are at least waist high.

  2. Lol. What a glaring oversight! Well, now the most immodest of Obamathon Man readers now know that another option is available to them. Thanks for the tip, P.